On the Occasion of the Departure of Rachael Star Kubly

From the Space Radiation Laboratory

Rachael Star, Rachael Star
Was it something that I said?
You know I was kidding
When I told them you were fired or dead

And I'm not sure I like that goodbye look
It doesn't look all that sad
And that my friends
Is very very bad

Oh you've made threats to leave before
"I'm going back to school" was a familiar sound
Or "I'll live in Europe for a year"
I just thought you were kidding around

And just who do you think is going to do my job?
Do you think I will become the lamination queen?
I don't think so
But that's probably your dream

And who is going to make my custom viewgraphs?
Is my webpage about to die?
What about scanning your brains out?
And how am I going to steal the data of some other guy?

(Sorry ladies, "guy" rhymed with "die")

And let me get this straight
You are leaving us for the Bank of Sanwa?
Well don't think we don't have our spies
Sorry folks -- nothing rhymes with Sanwa!

But I have made a bet with Suzette
On how long before my best man of yore
Who I see every week and works at your bank
Tells me about the white tornado that's on the 7th floor

Oh I don't think it will take long
For word to work 15 floors away
The bank of Sanwa is on red alert
Staples in her head is coming their way

Now I want to turn to a subject
That some may consider a taboo
Let's get down and dirty
And talk about those tattoos

I lobbied against them
As you may recall
But as you did with most of my advice
You ignored it all

After the first one
I thought that was the end
But before I could blink my eyes
Another tattoo joined its friend

I considered it a moral victory
When the nose ring came out the other day
But rings are rings
I'm afraid those tattoos are there to stay

Despite this public flogging
I think you know well
That I'm very very fond of
My assistant Rachael

Who is going to replace that laugh
So wonderful and hearty?
And who is going to make work
Seem like having a party?

I'm sure I can speak
For us all, indubitably
When I say we'll truly miss
Rachael Star Kubly
--- Alan Cummings 6/30/98

More Poems by Alan C. Cummings

A little insight into the event that sparked this next poem:

Rachael had been in an automobile accident that split the 
back of her head open while on an office errand and the 
method  the doctor used to stop the bleeding was to put...

Staples in Her Head

Rachael Star
Oh what a darling Kubly you are

But there's one thing that's bothering me bad
When I think about it, it makes me sad

I know your hair is red
But why are you walking around with staples in your head?

Staples in her head
Staples in her head
Rachael Star has staples in her head
First thing she did was dye her hair red
Then she topped it off with staples in her head!

Is this the new fashion trend?
Is this the new thing that's really in?

"I've got staples in my head"
Oh, do tell a friend!

Do the staples have a flair?
Or do they just kind of sit there?

Are they colorful, fat, or thin?
Do they hurt when you put them in?

And what kind of stapler do you like?
The one from the office or a carpenter's type?

Does walking by a magnet make you think twice?
Do they scratch and itch like head lice?

First it was toe rings, nose rings, and tattoos
Now what's this new generation up to?

It looks like it's the latest fad I'll dread
Going to a parlour to get staples in my head

Staples in her head
Staples in her head
Rachael Star has staples in her head
First thing she did was dye her hair red
Then she topped it off with staples in her head!

Staples in her head
Staples in her head
Rachael Star has staples in her head
First thing she did was dye her hair red
Then she topped it off with staples in her head!

This next piece was inspired by an event which occured 
later that summer, when the weather was HOT and the
result was...

Rachael Star Has Fallen

The first reports were sketchy
The details were few
Rachael Star had fallen
Was mostly what we knew

"Passed out" was a phrase
That was also used
Passed out is not good
Not something you want to do

She fell down in a store
She had whacked her head
She had hit the ground
But was she alive or dead?

Was it the staples?
Had they impacted a nerve?
Had they caused the fall?
Had they thrown her a curve?

Or was it the accident 
That had rearranged her brain?
Maybe it was the stitches
That had caused her great pain

Or was it the heat?
We heard LA had sizzled
Perhaps it was the smog
That had caused her to fizzle

She could have just slipped
On bananas or ice
Who knows each day
Who's rolling the dice

Some say her lawyer
Had asked her to fall down
To make a few bucks
Take a blow to the crown

Some say dehydration
Led to her demise
That it wasn't the bananas
It wasn't the ice

The rumors were wild
Were any of them true?
What had happened to Rachael?
We wished we knew

Finally the phone rang
And a new report came in
Rachael Star was alive
Yes, she lives again!

We were happy
We did some high fives
Rachael Star, Rachael Star
She was alive, alive!

So now all that remains
Is to wonder what's next
Is she jinxed in life
Maybe she's hexed

We don't think so
We think she'll be alright
She's just bouncing along
She's in the bumper car part of life

What with staples and stitches
And being knocked around
It's little wonder 
She hit the ground

We think she'll be fine
And we wish her well
The adventures of Rachael
Are sure fun to tell!

visitors since...7 July 1998
Last Date Revised: 7/07/98