On the Occasion of the Departure of Rachael Star Kubly
From the Space Radiation Laboratory
Rachael Star, Rachael Star Was it something that I said? You know I was kidding When I told them you were fired or dead And I'm not sure I like that goodbye look It doesn't look all that sad And that my friends Is very very bad Oh you've made threats to leave before "I'm going back to school" was a familiar sound Or "I'll live in Europe for a year" I just thought you were kidding around And just who do you think is going to do my job? Do you think I will become the lamination queen? I don't think so But that's probably your dream And who is going to make my custom viewgraphs? Is my webpage about to die? What about scanning your brains out? And how am I going to steal the data of some other guy? (Sorry ladies, "guy" rhymed with "die") And let me get this straight You are leaving us for the Bank of Sanwa? Well don't think we don't have our spies Sorry folks -- nothing rhymes with Sanwa! But I have made a bet with Suzette On how long before my best man of yore Who I see every week and works at your bank Tells me about the white tornado that's on the 7th floor Oh I don't think it will take long For word to work 15 floors away The bank of Sanwa is on red alert Staples in her head is coming their way Now I want to turn to a subject That some may consider a taboo Let's get down and dirty And talk about those tattoos I lobbied against them As you may recall But as you did with most of my advice You ignored it all After the first one I thought that was the end But before I could blink my eyes Another tattoo joined its friend I considered it a moral victory When the nose ring came out the other day But rings are rings I'm afraid those tattoos are there to stay Despite this public flogging I think you know well That I'm very very fond of My assistant Rachael Who is going to replace that laugh So wonderful and hearty? And who is going to make work Seem like having a party? I'm sure I can speak For us all, indubitably When I say we'll truly miss Rachael Star Kubly--- Alan Cummings 6/30/98
A little insight into the event that sparked this next poem: Rachael had been in an automobile accident that split the back of her head open while on an office errand and the method the doctor used to stop the bleeding was to put...
Staples in Her Head
Rachael Star Oh what a darling Kubly you are But there's one thing that's bothering me bad When I think about it, it makes me sad I know your hair is red But why are you walking around with staples in your head? Staples in her head Staples in her head Rachael Star has staples in her head First thing she did was dye her hair red Then she topped it off with staples in her head! Is this the new fashion trend? Is this the new thing that's really in? "I've got staples in my head" Oh, do tell a friend! Do the staples have a flair? Or do they just kind of sit there? Are they colorful, fat, or thin? Do they hurt when you put them in? And what kind of stapler do you like? The one from the office or a carpenter's type? Does walking by a magnet make you think twice? Do they scratch and itch like head lice? First it was toe rings, nose rings, and tattoos Now what's this new generation up to? It looks like it's the latest fad I'll dread Going to a parlour to get staples in my head Staples in her head Staples in her head Rachael Star has staples in her head First thing she did was dye her hair red Then she topped it off with staples in her head! Staples in her head Staples in her head Rachael Star has staples in her head First thing she did was dye her hair red Then she topped it off with staples in her head!
This next piece was inspired by an event which occured later that summer, when the weather was HOT and the result was...
Rachael Star Has Fallen
The first reports were sketchy The details were few Rachael Star had fallen Was mostly what we knew "Passed out" was a phrase That was also used Passed out is not good Not something you want to do She fell down in a store She had whacked her head She had hit the ground But was she alive or dead? Was it the staples? Had they impacted a nerve? Had they caused the fall? Had they thrown her a curve? Or was it the accident That had rearranged her brain? Maybe it was the stitches That had caused her great pain Or was it the heat? We heard LA had sizzled Perhaps it was the smog That had caused her to fizzle She could have just slipped On bananas or ice Who knows each day Who's rolling the dice Some say her lawyer Had asked her to fall down To make a few bucks Take a blow to the crown Some say dehydration Led to her demise That it wasn't the bananas It wasn't the ice The rumors were wild Were any of them true? What had happened to Rachael? We wished we knew Finally the phone rang And a new report came in Rachael Star was alive Yes, she lives again! We were happy We did some high fives Rachael Star, Rachael Star She was alive, alive! So now all that remains Is to wonder what's next Is she jinxed in life Maybe she's hexed We don't think so We think she'll be alright She's just bouncing along She's in the bumper car part of life What with staples and stitches And being knocked around It's little wonder She hit the ground We think she'll be fine And we wish her well The adventures of Rachael Are sure fun to tell!